You might need to take some Dramamine before you start reading this.

Here are some excerpts courtesy of New York Magazine

First off Rudy claims to be Trump’s cybersecurity expert but this was what the journalist observed about his own personal communication devices: 

In addition to being the president’s free personal attorney, Giuliani, who is 75, is an informal White House cybersecurity adviser and a high-priced cyber-security contractor. In one hand, he clutched three phones of varying sizes. Two of the devices were unlocked, their screens revealing open tabs and a barrage of banner notifications as they knocked into each other and reacted to Giuliani’s grip. He accidentally activated Siri, who said she didn’t understand his command. “She never understands me,” he said. He sighed and poked at the device, attempting to quiet her.

Oh yeah, that sounds secure.

When asked how he could possibly have trusted Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, Giuliani responded with this:

“They look like Miami people. I know a lot of Miami people that look like that that are perfectly legitimate and act like them,” Giuliani said. “Neither one of them have ever been convicted of a crime. Neither one. And generally that’s my cutoff point, because if you do it based on allegations and claims and — you’re not gonna work with anybody,” he said, laughing. “Particularly in business.”

Of course, now it appears that both of them will likely be convicted of a crime, so I guess they have crossed Guiliani’s magical line of distrust.

For some reason a question about former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch launched Rudy into an insane rant about Right Wing boogeyman George Soros:

He said former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, whom he calls Santa Maria Yovanovitch, is “controlled” by George Soros. “He put all four ambassadors there. And he’s employing the FBI agents.” I told him he sounded crazy, but he insisted he wasn’t.

“Don’t tell me I’m anti-Semitic if I oppose him,” he said. “Soros is hardly a Jew. I’m more of a Jew than Soros is. I probably know more about — he doesn’t go to church, he doesn’t go to religion — synagogue. He doesn’t belong to a synagogue, he doesn’t support Israel, he’s an enemy of Israel. He’s elected eight anarchist DA’s in the United States. He’s a horrible human being.”

In the grand tradition of Soros conspiracy theorists, Giuliani believes the media is doing the billionaire’s bidding by printing lies about him, yet he often bungles his own attempts to discredit the media’s reporting.

Somebody’s medication needs adjusting.

Giuliani then denied that he had any business interests in Ukraine right before talking about his business interests in Ukraine: 

“I’ve done two business deals in Ukraine. I’ve sought four or five others,” he said. Since he’s been representing the president, he said, he has been approached with two opportunities in Ukraine, both of which he turned down to avoid accusations of impropriety.

“The one that I really wanted to do,” Giuliani said, was a lawsuit on behalf of the Ukrainian government against a large financial institution he claims laundered $7 billion for Viktor Yanukovych, the former president. “It would’ve had nothing to do with Trump, nothing to do with Burisma, nothing to do with Biden,” he said. He then explained that the reason why he “really wanted” to take on the case was to learn about Ukrainian money laundering, “so I could figure out they utilize the same money-laundering system for Hunter Biden.”

Rudy believes that the investigations directed at him are because the deep state is trying to remove Trump from power and he is just collateral damage.

This is what he had to say about the Southern District of New York:

“If they’re investigating me, they’re assholes. They’re absolutely assholes if they’re investigating me,” he said.

“If they are, they’re idiots,” he went on. “Then they really are a Trump-deranged bunch of silly New York liberals.” He added that he didn’t know for sure if he was being investigated at all, though subpoenas issued to Giuliani associates by the SDNY reportedly request documents and correspondence related to Giuliani, his firm, and, specifically, “any actual or potential payment” to or from Giuliani.

“If they think I committed a crime, they’re out of their minds,” he said. “I’ve been doing this for 50 years. I know how not to commit crimes. And if they think I’ve lost my integrity, maybe they’ve lost theirs in their insanity over hating Trump with some of the things they did that I never would’ve tolerated when I was U.S. Attorney.”

Rudy also believes he would be a good choice to defend Trump during the Senate trial:

“I’m great at it. It’s what I do best as a lawyer. That’s what I would be good at,” he said. “Oh, I would love it, I could rip — you know, I hate to sound like a ridiculously boastful lawyer, but cross-examining them would be, I don’t know, I could’ve done it when I was a second-year assistant U.S. Attorney. They’re a bunch of clowns.”

“You plan for days and days how you’re gonna cross-examine them,” he said of his theoretical strategy. “And try to learn his personality. You try to learn when he’s gonna lie, how he’s gonna lie. You try to learn how to make him feel comfortable and confident. You try to work on what kind of personality is he. Is he a boaster? Is he sensitive about certain things? Somebody like Biden, for example, is extraordinarily sensitive about his intellect.”

Personally I would love to see Rudy Giuliani trying to defend Donald Trump during an impeachment trial in the Senate. 

That would be the most entertaining television in the history of television. 

After reading this article it almost feels as if Trump and Giuliani were destined to be connected during this time in history. 

I mean without Giulaini’s bungling in Ukraine Trump would likely not have beeen impeached, and without Trump, nobody would even bother to talk about the man formerly called “America’s Mayor” anymore. 

After all of this is over I somehow doubt that either one of them will have benefited one bit from having known the other.